Accepting Myself: My Battle With Body Image

I am going to share something very personal with you.  I feel the need to share my experiences in order to bring awareness to the plague that is sweeping the world and hopefully to offer hope to those who are suffering from its effects.

What is the plague?  It is the world's ideal of how each individual should look; both men and women.

As my mother once told me, I was never a size 8 or 10 but jumped to a size 12.  If that doesn't make sense to anyone it simply means, I was never very skinny.  I remember in grade 6 sitting at lunch and all my friends discussing what their weight was.  I told them my weight and remember thinking, what does it matter?  I was confident about who I was.  As I got into High School I learned to be more self conscious.

One day, I returned home from hanging out with a friend.  We had splurged and each bought our own quart of ice cream.  I was sitting in the kitchen eating some ice cream when my father made the comment, "A moment on the lips, forever on the hips."  I tried to brush off his comment but obviously it was ingrained in my memory.  As I have already mentioned I grew up with all brothers and I tried to eat along with them.  I often heard comments that I shouldn't eat like a boy.  I wondered why my brothers were never told to eat less or no ice cream.

I remember the instance it all started.  My dad was looking at a picture of me taken from Halloween.  I was in the parking lot of the church and the ward trunk-or-treat was going on.  I was really good friends to a younger girl in the ward who was a size 0.  In the picture I had picked her up and we were laughing.  When my dad looked at the picture, he mentioned that I looked heavier than he thought.  Now that I am looking back on the experience, of course I would look big next to a girl who was only 11 and a size 0 and I was 16 and a size 12.  I was humiliated when I heard this and from then on began to be highly self-conscious of my weight and size.  I talked to my mom and she said she would work with me.  We would both try to lose weight.  We tried Weight Watchers, rode bikes all summer, swam a different summer, and just tried to eat healthier.  Nothing helped.  I started to experience depression.  I wore hoodies everywhere for fear that someone would think my stomach looked fat.  Eventually I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism which explained why I could not lose weight and attributed to my size.  I started to accept that I would always be bigger.  I lost confidence in social situations and as I started college, I found myself living in my bedroom.

Later on, I decided and felt prompted that I needed to serve a full-time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I was excited and nervous but also remember hoping that when my assignment came I could go somewhere that I would get a parasite and lose and ton of weight or somewhere that I would starve and come home skinny.  I wanted the mission to solve my weight and body image problem.  I also wanted to serve for all the other good reasons too.  When my mission call came, I was shocked to see I was called to serve in Raleigh, North Carolina.  My sister-in-law was familiar with the area and started telling me all the wonderful things about North Carolina.  The first thought that came to my mind was, "Oh no!  I am going to come home even fatter!"

As I prepared to enter the Missionary Training Center, I met with my Stake President and was set apart as a full time missionary.  All I wanted the blessing to say was I was going to be skinny some day.  At the end of the blessing it stated there was a desire of my heart that would be granted to me as I served honorably.  I immediately thought, okay I AM coming home skinny.

My mission started out great but I was so self-conscious and worried about my weight.  I especially became distraught when I discovered I had put on weight and not lost weight.  I was transferred to my second area and later was assigned with my third companion.  A doctor came to one of our zone conferences and met with me personally.  He said I was very pretty but was hiding it and needed to lose weight so my beauty could show.  He gave me a diet and exercise plan and began calling me daily and then weekly for updates.  My companions from then on were all trying the diet plan as well.  It consisted of cutting out calories each day and running stairs for 30 minutes a day.  As I talked with the doctor he pushed me to lose a minimum of 2 pounds a week.  He counseled me to eat less and less calories.  I got to the point that I was eating less than 1000 calories a day!  I have since learned that is less than half of what a normal person should eat!  I was on the scale twice a day and obsessed with losing weight.  My prize would be returning home and having my parents be proud of my

size.  Luckily, I reached a point where I felt this was stupid.  The doctor wanted me down to 120 pounds and I began to realize he was going to kill me to get there.  I also felt the obsession was not a part of why I was a missionary.  I stopped responding and reporting to the doctor and stopped counting calories.  I began to happier.  I never came close to his goal for me but I had already lost a significant amount of weight.  I didn't become the size I dreamed I could/should be but I accepted myself 100% and learned that my Father in Heaven loved me no matter what.  I could be happy with whatever size I was and I was done battling for a skinnier tomorrow.

When I returned home I remember receiving so many compliments about my size, but I didn't care.  I had reached a point on my mission where I came to discover my own self worth and it wasn't dictated by my looks.  I felt healthy and physically active and in control of my life.  I was approached by many people who asked what my secret was for losing the weight and how I came to be so self-confident.  I simply told them to eat healthy, exercise, and accept yourself.

Now I still have days when I look in the mirror and think I look chubby and should lose weight.  But those days are not so common.  I am more focused on living a healthy life and being the best me.  There is more to me than being thin.  I am beautiful the way I am.  I have personality and I am fun to be around.  I am talented and I have much to offer the world.

I should add that I do have such an amazing support network.  I do believe my parents always have the best intentions for me.  Looking back, I see two loving parents who were concerned for a daughter who was always heavier and trying to figure out how to help her.  I love them even more for that!

Here is my advice to all of us as we battle the plague:

1. Accept Yourself as you are
2. Accept Others as they are
3. NEVER suggest what size someone should be 
4. LOVE